This is my closing blog of what has been a life-enhancing journey. So much said and so much not. I have struggled with knowing what to include and what is too personal, not just for myself but for others as well. Wisdom indeed has been needed and finding that line between being real and honest about difficulties and not being too 'in the face'.
I laughed at myself yesterday as I was walking behind 2 young men, one of whom had his trousers half way down his legs so I stared at his underpants the whole time I walked behind him. All very fashionable in the city but a little inappropriate for The Camino perhaps. Anyway I hate this fashion- always have done. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR PANTS (or skid marks!!) Is this my last test of 'go with the flow'? Anyway I eventually pass him and say a cheery ' Lovely red underpants you have on today'. He smiles sheepishly. Then today walking into Santiago I see him again. Amazingly he has learnt how to do his belt up.
I actually arrived yeaterday as I wanted to finish my own Camino before I meet Steve to walk to Finisterre tomorrow. We shall attend the Pilgrim Mass together in the Cathedral which I have not yet been in. Most Pilgrims go straight there but for me God is not primarily in that building but in the cafes and bars and streets outside it. I mostly feel a certain amount of discomfort in churches and if I was the Archbishop of Canterbury I would sell off the buildings to the Conservationists- they can have them and spend all their resources maintaining bricks and mortar, instead of hearts.Just as well there is not much chance of that happening then!
A film crew were filming outside the mighty Seminario Menor when I arrived. This is described in my book as a soul- less Alburgue. It is a magnificent building and I enjoyed the anonymity it afforded me.The Seminario was shut when I arrived so I spent 1/2 hr watching the film crew do their stuff. How utterly BANAL it all seemed in comparison to the journey that these pilgrims were finishing. Take after take after take of the same scene with the make up and hair artists dashing in between shots to adjust a hair or apply a little powder to the actors. It was utterly DULL. So much attention to so little.
I feel so strengthened by my journey- at least inwardly. Outwardly I have a streaming cold and as I crossed the motorway into Santigo my nose was streaming, my eyes were streaming, my throat feels like a rasp has been taken down it and my chest hurts. An onlooker would have thought it was a highly emotional moment for me and in some ways it was. The roar of the traffic I found frightening but inwardly I thought 'YES I have walked 800km across Spain on my own' and with that came a feeling of elation.
Eugene Peterson writes, in The Message, at the introduction to Job
'Real faith cannot be reduced to spiritual bromides and merchandised in success stories. It is refined in the fires and the storms of pain'. This is so true. I have dwelt in Romans 8:18-28 and for me these passages are not about ecology at all but about growing in grace ourselves- being pregnant and enlarging so our capacity to recieve from God is increased and our capacity to enter into a suffering world and bring the light of Christ is also increased. How many people I have met who are so lost and deeply hurting and do not know the deep love of God and HOPE that He brings. Their stories are not over and can indeed be transformed. I finish with some scripture that is so dear to me because I have found it to be true at every level of my life. I have lived this not just on a spiritual plane but a very concrete one too:
The Spirit of God, the Master is on me, because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the broken hearted, Announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. .....and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them boquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit. Rename them 'Oaks of Righteousness' planted by God to display his glory.
God has bound up my broken heart not as some meta physical concept but as a living reality. I love Him so much.
Katex
Friday, 3 June 2011
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Letting Go
Letting go of things starts on day 2 on The Camino. Backpacks are scrutinised and ALL surplus stuff is dumped. Shops and materialism hold no allure as you have to carry whatever you buy, so you don't even bother going there!
Letting go of yellow arrows which are the markers for the route takes a little longer particularly when passing through cities- if you let one go you may not find another one but you cannot move forward unless you do. They are much harder to spot in the cities as so many other things contend with them.
Then there is the leting go of people, some of whom you walk with for a few days and many who you walk with briefly. People invariably form into groups and these groups eat together in the evenings, even if they walk alone during the day. This works well for many but I opted out as I wanted the freedom to choose on the spur of the moment. Eventually you have to let go of the people as well as we are all returning to other lives, even if these will now involve reunions at a later date.
Then there are the deeper 'lettings go' of ways of thinking or bad habits; Snoring drove me demented to begin with but now it doesn't bother me a bit and this is very releasing for me! Likewise I have beautiful nails, nearly as beautiful as Liz's although they keep splitting after 40 yrs of chewing!
Then there are the deeper things again, like lack of forgiveness. My inbox has now been cleared and not by my own effort but by a reliance on the very practical help of the Holy Spirit. One day I had an amazing 'seeing', an insight of things. The small picture of the reality in which I live was expanded to see a much much greater reality of what actually IS. This reality is full of LIFE and LOVE. It is teeming out from a never ending life source and it is SO big that all the pain and suffering of all creation through all times is so infinitesimally small in comparison that it is swallowed up. No I have not been taking e tablets or any other drug! Those of you who are in pain at the moment I know it doesn't FEEL like this could be the truth but there it was. Not an experience of the mind primarily but one of the heart- a knowing, a seeing of what IS. This has answered for me 2 deep theological questions I have struggled with; why did God create man knowing all the pain and suffering that was going to result?- in other words the shadow side and secondly, what about the relativity of sin, meaning that some sins seem so much worse than others so how can sin be all the same? In the true reality both questions were answered, the second being 'a stain is a stain'.
Perhaps for me, the most special moment on the Camino was when the veil between this world and the next was momentarily drawn back and I was in the presence of Bethan. I have been at peace about her death for years, knowing from the beginning that Christ wept with me over the loss of this baby and that she is safe in the arms of God. But a shimmering in the wind and a movement of the wheat field with a quiet whisper and there we were together and for a long moment our spirits gently touched, each knowing the other. She is well and happy. As I write this I well up with tears because it was an incredible moment but the loss will always be just that- a terrible loss and at one level that pain never goes away. Nor should it. It was never meant to be in the true sense and written on all our hearts is the knowledge of all those things that were never meant to be- pre the fall.
This was so important for me because I was under the belief that if you truly forgive then the wound inflicted will not hurt anymore. This is not true. Our hearts know and long for what we lost so long ago and all those things that happen that are against life and love 'jar' causing deep unrest and dischord. Healing for sure can occur but forgiving IS NOT forgetting and I think pain will always remain. This I have found liberating. It is ok for it to still hurt. It does not indicate a lack of peace and acceptance.
Much Love, Kate
Letting go of yellow arrows which are the markers for the route takes a little longer particularly when passing through cities- if you let one go you may not find another one but you cannot move forward unless you do. They are much harder to spot in the cities as so many other things contend with them.
Then there is the leting go of people, some of whom you walk with for a few days and many who you walk with briefly. People invariably form into groups and these groups eat together in the evenings, even if they walk alone during the day. This works well for many but I opted out as I wanted the freedom to choose on the spur of the moment. Eventually you have to let go of the people as well as we are all returning to other lives, even if these will now involve reunions at a later date.
Then there are the deeper 'lettings go' of ways of thinking or bad habits; Snoring drove me demented to begin with but now it doesn't bother me a bit and this is very releasing for me! Likewise I have beautiful nails, nearly as beautiful as Liz's although they keep splitting after 40 yrs of chewing!
Then there are the deeper things again, like lack of forgiveness. My inbox has now been cleared and not by my own effort but by a reliance on the very practical help of the Holy Spirit. One day I had an amazing 'seeing', an insight of things. The small picture of the reality in which I live was expanded to see a much much greater reality of what actually IS. This reality is full of LIFE and LOVE. It is teeming out from a never ending life source and it is SO big that all the pain and suffering of all creation through all times is so infinitesimally small in comparison that it is swallowed up. No I have not been taking e tablets or any other drug! Those of you who are in pain at the moment I know it doesn't FEEL like this could be the truth but there it was. Not an experience of the mind primarily but one of the heart- a knowing, a seeing of what IS. This has answered for me 2 deep theological questions I have struggled with; why did God create man knowing all the pain and suffering that was going to result?- in other words the shadow side and secondly, what about the relativity of sin, meaning that some sins seem so much worse than others so how can sin be all the same? In the true reality both questions were answered, the second being 'a stain is a stain'.
Perhaps for me, the most special moment on the Camino was when the veil between this world and the next was momentarily drawn back and I was in the presence of Bethan. I have been at peace about her death for years, knowing from the beginning that Christ wept with me over the loss of this baby and that she is safe in the arms of God. But a shimmering in the wind and a movement of the wheat field with a quiet whisper and there we were together and for a long moment our spirits gently touched, each knowing the other. She is well and happy. As I write this I well up with tears because it was an incredible moment but the loss will always be just that- a terrible loss and at one level that pain never goes away. Nor should it. It was never meant to be in the true sense and written on all our hearts is the knowledge of all those things that were never meant to be- pre the fall.
This was so important for me because I was under the belief that if you truly forgive then the wound inflicted will not hurt anymore. This is not true. Our hearts know and long for what we lost so long ago and all those things that happen that are against life and love 'jar' causing deep unrest and dischord. Healing for sure can occur but forgiving IS NOT forgetting and I think pain will always remain. This I have found liberating. It is ok for it to still hurt. It does not indicate a lack of peace and acceptance.
Much Love, Kate
Glorious Galicia and Gratitude
Galicia is wet and windy and very green- very much like home really. It is full of happy farm animals that wander around freely, including on The Camino! The farmers and their wives look beautiful, like gnarled and aged old trees full of years. They wear peasant clothing and offer endless smiles and 'Buen Camino' as they herd their sheep and cows from one side of The Camino to the other. Ah and the smell! I love the smell of haylage and cow pooh. It is so earthy, so organic, so life giving. I have even seen happy pigs here snortling around in grass, then, as if standing for any length of time is just too much effort they flop and their whole enormous weight gives a gratifying solid thud sound as they hit the ground. They will stand for a deep scratch or two from a passing pelegrino but just as quickly grunt as if to say 'enough' and move away. I could happily live here particularly as the local wine in the restaurants is only 2.5 euros a BOTTLE! (have I told you this numerous times ?!) Sadly at lunch yesterday I actually had to leave half a bottle as even I cannot walk after a whole bottle. Actually I think its alcoholic content is much lower than what I drink at home because I have never felt even slightly tipsy after imbibing the stuff.
Gratitude for what I have come to understand about my own journey through listening to Francessca, who I left 3 days ago. I needed to finish my Camino alone. I have struggled with understanding how people can lie so deeply and still live with themselves. In one simple sentence Francessca tells me that she learnt to lie from her mum, who hid things from her despotic father. Her mum wanted to give her children good things and they were very poor so she gave them behind his back and told her children not to tell him. From this Francessca learnt that it was fine to lie to your partner- afterall it was in a good cause and still she struggles with this behaviour today. She has not told her husband who she is separated from that she is having an affair. The rational, the justification for this is that she 'doesn't want to hurt him' I suggest its more to do with self-protection and she agrees and says that when you lie, the person you lie to first and foremost all the time is yourself. Her affair is understandable in human terms- her husband has grown up in an emotionally cold home and lacks emotional processing skills, particularly re negative feelings. He is addicted to porn- an oh so ready resource of 'comfort'. She has no problem with porn per se but she does have a problem with the sexual acts he wants to do that she does not- and he never stops asking and hoping. She has agreed on occasion but each time it has caused her so much distress that she has completely stopped initiating any love-making, dreading what may be requested. This has slowly 'killed' her love for her husband. Her desperate need to be loved has been met in the arms of an Italian, who, incidentally, she is also lying to. I am truly SO SO grateful that I know the love of God. I am so truly grateful that if we follow in His ways they are life giving- even when we don't feel like it. I am truly grateful that 'there by the GRACE of God go I'. Francessca puts our different paths down to the fact that I am a strong person and she is not but I suggest that we have the same God and all that is available to me is also available to her- if she truly seeks she WILL find.
Lucas suggests that having children makes all the difference and this I agree does make a difference. Poor Francessca is in such a pickle as she has been with her husband since she was 17- a long history to let go but she cannot bear the status quo, even less so now she has found another man. Her husband is wealthy and succesful and independent to the point that he needs no help. Her lover is poor. What should she do? She has been in counselling for 2 years and still cannot decide, vacillating daily with stress levels sky high. I hope she finds her answer.
Much love, Kate
Gratitude for what I have come to understand about my own journey through listening to Francessca, who I left 3 days ago. I needed to finish my Camino alone. I have struggled with understanding how people can lie so deeply and still live with themselves. In one simple sentence Francessca tells me that she learnt to lie from her mum, who hid things from her despotic father. Her mum wanted to give her children good things and they were very poor so she gave them behind his back and told her children not to tell him. From this Francessca learnt that it was fine to lie to your partner- afterall it was in a good cause and still she struggles with this behaviour today. She has not told her husband who she is separated from that she is having an affair. The rational, the justification for this is that she 'doesn't want to hurt him' I suggest its more to do with self-protection and she agrees and says that when you lie, the person you lie to first and foremost all the time is yourself. Her affair is understandable in human terms- her husband has grown up in an emotionally cold home and lacks emotional processing skills, particularly re negative feelings. He is addicted to porn- an oh so ready resource of 'comfort'. She has no problem with porn per se but she does have a problem with the sexual acts he wants to do that she does not- and he never stops asking and hoping. She has agreed on occasion but each time it has caused her so much distress that she has completely stopped initiating any love-making, dreading what may be requested. This has slowly 'killed' her love for her husband. Her desperate need to be loved has been met in the arms of an Italian, who, incidentally, she is also lying to. I am truly SO SO grateful that I know the love of God. I am so truly grateful that if we follow in His ways they are life giving- even when we don't feel like it. I am truly grateful that 'there by the GRACE of God go I'. Francessca puts our different paths down to the fact that I am a strong person and she is not but I suggest that we have the same God and all that is available to me is also available to her- if she truly seeks she WILL find.
Lucas suggests that having children makes all the difference and this I agree does make a difference. Poor Francessca is in such a pickle as she has been with her husband since she was 17- a long history to let go but she cannot bear the status quo, even less so now she has found another man. Her husband is wealthy and succesful and independent to the point that he needs no help. Her lover is poor. What should she do? She has been in counselling for 2 years and still cannot decide, vacillating daily with stress levels sky high. I hope she finds her answer.
Much love, Kate
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