Letting Go

Letting go of things starts on day 2 on The Camino. Backpacks are scrutinised and ALL surplus stuff is dumped. Shops and materialism hold no allure as you have to carry whatever you buy, so you don't even bother going there!
Letting go of yellow arrows which are the markers for the route takes a little longer particularly when passing through cities- if you let one go you may not find another one but you cannot move forward unless you do. They are much harder to spot in the cities as so many other things contend with them.
Then there is the leting go of people, some of whom you walk with for a few days and many who you walk with briefly. People invariably form into groups and these groups eat together in the evenings, even if they walk alone during the day. This works well for many but I opted out as I wanted the freedom to choose on the spur of the moment. Eventually you have to let go of the people as well as we are all returning to other lives, even if these will now involve reunions at a later date.
Then there are the deeper 'lettings go' of ways of thinking or bad habits; Snoring drove me demented to begin with but now it doesn't bother me a bit and this is very releasing for me! Likewise I have beautiful nails, nearly as beautiful as Liz's although they keep splitting after 40 yrs of chewing!
Then there are the deeper things again, like lack of forgiveness. My inbox has now been cleared and not by my own effort but by a reliance on the very practical help of the Holy Spirit. One day I had an amazing 'seeing', an insight of things. The small picture of the reality in which I live was expanded to see a much much greater reality of what actually IS. This reality is full of LIFE and LOVE. It is teeming out from a never ending life source and it is SO big that all the pain and suffering of all creation through all times is so infinitesimally small in comparison that it is swallowed up. No I have not been taking e tablets or any other drug! Those of you who are in pain at the moment I know it doesn't FEEL like this could be the truth but there it was. Not an experience of the mind primarily but one of the heart- a knowing, a seeing of what IS. This has answered for me 2 deep theological questions I have struggled with; why did God create man knowing all the pain and suffering that was going to result?- in other words the shadow side and secondly, what about the relativity of sin, meaning that some sins seem so much worse than others so how can sin be all the same? In the true reality both questions were answered, the second being 'a stain is a stain'.
Perhaps for me, the most special moment on the Camino was when the veil between this world and the next was momentarily drawn back and I was in the presence of Bethan. I have been at peace about her death for years, knowing from the beginning that Christ wept with me over the loss of this baby and that she is safe in the arms of God. But a shimmering in the wind and a movement of the wheat field with a quiet whisper and there we were together and for a long moment our spirits gently touched, each knowing the other. She is well and happy. As I write this I well up with tears because it was an incredible moment but the loss will always be just that- a terrible loss and at one level that pain never goes away. Nor should it. It was never meant to be in the true sense and written on all our hearts is the knowledge of all those things that were never meant to be- pre the fall.
This was so important for me because I was under the belief that if you truly forgive then the wound inflicted will not hurt anymore. This is not true. Our hearts know and long for what we lost so long ago and all those things that happen that are against life and love 'jar' causing deep unrest and dischord. Healing for sure can occur but forgiving IS NOT forgetting and I think pain will always remain. This I have found liberating. It is ok for it to still hurt. It does not indicate a lack of peace and acceptance.
Much Love, Kate