Relationships and Responsibilities

I have tried very hard on my Camino to stay solo, mainly because I want to rise to the challenge of asking myself each day 'what do YOU want to do?' No accommodating other peoples choices, just get up when you want , walk when you want, stop when you want, eat when you want and what you want etc etc. As soon as you strike up a relationship there are expectations and responsibilities and you are required to be sensitive to where somebody else is coming from. So to put it into context with Francessca, she cannot walk at the moment. Does that mean I should get the bus with her? Does that mean I drastically reduce how far I walk so she can walk with me? Does that mean I take the road route which is easier to walk rather than going out into the hills? Ignoring her plight gives me really uncomfortable feelings that I am only thinking of myself, but that is the very reason I am here-to think about what I want to do, now, and in the future.
When you join a bigger group it does not take long for the dynamics to become even more complicated; Dan is a heallth food freak and wants to cook for everyone each night. He is the head chef and the rest of us sous chefs and washer uppers. The problem is I don't want to cook for myself or wash up. I want to eat out. I have a lifetime of cooking for others. Nor do I want someone dictating what I am going to eat that night according to his own diet regime, but if I don't join in I am somehow breaking up the party. Dilemmas indeed.
Dan did give us the biggest laugh of the night though- he has had enough of 'going with the flow of humanity' and has decided he cannot stand another night in a large dorm with endless snorers and so takes himself off to sleep on the grass outside. Little does he know that the sprinkler system is set to come on at 2am and so is rudely awoken by a large blast of cold water down his sleeping bag. Unfortunately for Dan the Alburgue has been locked for the night so he is left, soaking wet, with no dry clothes to change into, as they are all inside!
Through this Camino I have realised one or two things about myself; I cannot stand being 'looked after' for any length of time. Yes it is very nice to be cared for and to be served etc but give it more than 2 days and I am screaming for freedom inside- ' I can look after myself thank you'. This does not go down well with the Dan's of this world, whose 'caring and organisation' border on control, such that I am being told what I need to buy from the supermarket for tomorrows walk. 'Oh just chill Dan' I retort and wham we have hit the buffers, him feeling rejected and me feeling controlled.
I must be hard to live with because 90% of the time I want to be independent and then there is the rare moment when I will 'need' someone else- rather like a cat I suppose, but I am most content when I am on my own, doing my own thing in my own way. Is this habit, conditioning, childhood or plain preference? There are exceptions to this and I have many memories of pure joy shared in special moments, but generally it is easier , all things considered, to BE with oneself.
Secondly, I have realised how allergic I am to being held on to. I feel like a bird in the palm of people's hands and if you close your hand about me I will do anything to escape. Either hold me lightly or let me go but don't make 'us' exclusive. I don't want clipped wings, I want to fly here, there and everywhere, going with the flow of each day, never knowing what is going to happen next. Structure and organisation make me feel caged and deeply uncomfortable; 3x on this Camino I have been trapped in the loo when the lights have gone out. There has been no window and it has been pitch black. The sense of panic that has risen immediately has been horrid as I have groped for the lock to 'get out of there'. I do not understand these things about myself but I do now see why sub-aqua diving was a nightmare for me.
2 lovely pictures of Spain to finish with: an ancient lady opens her front door at 4pm and out march 20 plus chickens for their afternoon walk over to a patch of grass. They all know the way- they all do what chickens do for 1/2 hr, then they all march back into her front door! (do they live in her house?)
This afternoon I am walking past a largish, posh house when I observe an 'automatic lawn mower'. This small machine, sits on the lawn and 'senses' when the grass is more than 1/2 inch long, I am told by a passing Spanish pelegrino.  It trots off and starts mowing and never gets stuck in ditches or in hollows as it backs itself out. The lawn is immaculate!
Maybe we should get one for The Chestnuts?
Much love, Kate